Warning: mention of child sexual abuse, kidnapping, mental health
So stuff happened and everything feels weird now!
Last year in the beginning of the pandemic I was contacted by some people that wanted to hear my story.
Last week I was finally able to sit down with them and talk about it all.
I won’t be going into much detail because I’m not quite sure how much I’m allowed to talk about, so sorry about that. But my personal story is here for you to read about and I will always be upfront about my experiences and history.
But during this year long process I had to go through my court and psych papers from when I was four and five years old and I learned so many things about the adults in my young life, and I also discovered so many more mysteries I know I will never know the answers to. And as much as I logically know that I need to accept that and move on with my life, it is still so annoying not to know about your own life in such a vital way.
The paperwork did help reinforce what small truths I knew about my parents and other assorted adults. But my dad was almost completely left out of them to the point where he doesn’t exist in the most important of these documents. It’s almost as if he completely disappeared at one point, and I know if I asked him he’d tell me his version of the truth, and who knows how factual that might be.
I also learned that it was pretty accepted by the court that some sort of abuse had happened to me, but no one at the time seemed intelligent enough, or cared enough, to figure out what/who/why/etc. One evaluation had a psychologist suggest I had caused the physical damage to my own body myself through ‘exploration.’ I was 4 years old.
At the end of this process I understand quite clearly that there’s no way I can trust any of these people in my family that I should have been able to rely on as a child to keep me safe. The narcissism was plainly evident, as well as the gross negligence. The system was just as bad. I now can see why my grandparents thought that taking me was the only logical solution. Of course it wasn’t, but the entire situation was bad. I was not safe in any of the ‘options’ I was stuck between. I would have been traumatized and abused no matter where I ended up. I can only hope that fate gave me the one I could deal with the best.
Since coming back from the interview I have felt like a weight has been lifted. I am no longer scared of my past. I still want that family dynamic where love and support thrive, but I accepted that I would never have those things a long time ago. It’s easier to breathe now.
But since coming back I’ve also thought about my relationship. How my siblings have no idea what actually happened. How they only know my parents’ version of the truth and how limiting that is. I had a brief conversation with one of my sisters about the interview and I asked her if she knew about Faye Yager and the Underground. She had no idea. I spent an hour just giving her the barest details, and she was shocked to realize how convoluted my history actually was compared to the sanitized version she had been fed all her life.
Part of the reason I had agreed to share my story was to take back the narrative of my life, because it has always belonged to someone else. I’m somewhat ashamed of myself to realize that my siblings have lived in this factual ignorance for so long, as well.
I know when this project is finalized and people see it, there will be those who will be very, very angry at me. And I honestly don’t care. It’s passed time the truth was told. I’m a decade older than my mother was when I was taken. I’ve been quiet for far too long. I won’t be the family shame anymore. Or the excuse, either.